Bloody Hands, Heartless Editors: 7 Deleted Chapters from The First Boy who was Broken Read online

the play I wrote about how was saved by, of all people, my future self.

  ––––––

  (Darkness. Silence. A lone spotlight illuminates The Character at center stage, a platter full of small hors d’oeuvres in hand. He is wearing a black shirt, black pants, a black tie, and black dress shoes. He is visibly uncomfortable.)

  Character – I did everything right. Cut my hair. Shaved. Trimmed my unibrow. I wore the light blue shirt my sister gave me with the weird sleeve cuffs. My sister said I should use my brother’s suit too. She said that he would have wanted me to have it.

  (Character stretches his back while still holding the heavy tray)

  Character – Anyway, the interviewer for this job was fat and annoying- probably a chronic masturbator too. I don’t know why I know this- he just had those thick masturbation hands. I remember as he sat back in his chair he took these heavy, wheezing breaths. And for some reason I couldn’t help but imagine what he looked like while having sex with his wife. I could see his family in the photo on his desk- two good looking kids and a wife that looked like she could eat them both for dinner. I imagined him and his wife naked- twin blobs, moving to the tune of one indelible metronome.

  (Character picks up some food from his tray, sniffs it, grimaces, then puts it back on the tray.)

  Character – So anyway I lie to the masturbation guy. Yes, I worked there for 18 months. Yes, I have experience in restaurants. No, I have not been fired or asked to resign from a job. So the chronic masturbator gives me a chance. At the end of the interview he holds out his sweaty, oversized hand to shake mine, and I just suck it up and do it. This is for my sister, I thought, this is for the only person alive who still cares about me.

  (The lights turn on, and a dinner party becomes visible in the background. Male guests are dressed in tuxedos. Female guests are adorned in expensive jewelry and little black dresses. They all chat with each other.)

  Character – So here’s me, standing in the same spot like a jackass, holding some ‘food’ that I wouldn’t feed a dog. Probably some French, Italian, Spanish shit with a name like lady’s perfume.

  (An attractive couple like out of a magazine approaches the Character. They look at his food with big smiles.)

  Female Guest – Oh my god, Keith. Look, they have vol-au-vent.

  Male Guest – And Canape.

  (They help themselves and walk away.)

  (The lights turn off and return to the spotlight illuminating only the Character.)

  Character – They’re all the same. Bankers who cheat on their wives. 20 year old gold diggers waiting for their senile, old husbands to die. Is this the promised land? Is this why we all want to become millionaires? So we can dress up in expensive clothing, lather on makeup or cologne, and then pretend we’re happy for a night? And I know they hate each other- I hear them talking behind people’s backs.

  (A spot light illuminates two women looking at a third.)

  Female Guest 1 – Did you hear?

  Female Guest 2 – I did… she had to have her stomach pumped. Again!

  Female Guest 1– Shh, shhh, she’ll hear you.

  Female Guest 2 – Please, that woman’s so hammered she couldn’t hear a fire alarm right now.

  Female Guest 1 – Or a police siren…

  Female Guest 2 – Oh…! Haha, you’re terrible…

  (The spotlight moves and lights up a man and woman on the other side of the room.)

  Female Guest – I know a secret.

  Male Guest – What?

  Female Guest – Jan…

  Male Guest – Yea?

  Female Guest – She’s cheating on Henry.

  Male Guest – No! With who?

  Female Guest – You’ll never guess.

  Male Guest – I bet I will. It’s William, right?

  Female Guest – Nope.

  Male Guest – Frank?

  Female Guest – Wrong again.

  Male Guest – Well, it can’t be Tom.

  (The woman is coyly silent)

  Male Guest – No…!

  (The woman nods)

  Male Guest – (Grinning with sickening pleasure) Oh my god... Doesn’t she know that he’s got herpes?

  Female Guest – (Runs her finger around the rim of her wine glass while smiling back) She will soon…

  (The spotlight returns to the Character)

  (Another young man comes to stand next to the Character, also wearing all black, with a platter in hand.)

  Steve – Hey, what’s up? I’m Steve.

  Character – Hey, how’s it going?

  Steve – See that guy over there, (points to the audience) the one with the lame curved mustache?

  Character – The old guy?

  Steve – Yea, yea. If you go over and talk to him about the war he’ll give you a tip.

  Character – What war?

  Steve – Any war, doesn’t matter.

  Character – Thanks, I’ll try that later.

  Steve – So check it, I’ve been working these parties for almost 3 years now. (Points to the audience) Gay, gay, gay. All three hiding it and cheating on their wives. That last one likes little boys.

  Character – Ew…

  Steve – Oh, and see the chick with the 5 inch heels?

  Character – Which one?

  Steve – There, with the gold bracelets and the butterface.

  Character – Yea?

  Steve – Killed her last 3 husbands for 10 million dollars.

  Character – W- what? How can you possibly know that?

  Steve – No, I’m just fucking with you- it’s believable though, right? Especially in this crowd.

  Character – Yea- yea, I guess so. See that woman over there- the one practically making out with that tall, ugly guy?

  Steve – Yea.

  Character – She’s got herpes and doesn’t know it.

  Steve – Are you’re kidding me?

  Character – Nope, I heard her friends talking about it.

  Steve – Jesus Christ… Alright, now this is true- you see the really drunk chick?

  Character – (Gives Steve a look) Dude, come on…

  Steve – Ha. Ok, ok- the drunk chick with the bottle of wine in her hand. There, she’s talking to that short guy that looks like a hobbit.

  Character – Ok, I see her.

  Steve – Yea, she’s stolen two forks, three spoons, and at least one gravy ladle.

  Character – What- no way, these people are all millionaires, right?

  Steve – Man, if I was lying, I would have said something way cooler. Like… she’s gonna burn her husband’s business down for the insurance.

  (Stage goes dark, and a spotlight jumps to 2 women.)

  Female Guest 1 – Did you hear that Barbara’s going to burn down Hank’s business for the insurance money?

  Female Guest 2 – Probably the only way the man can make a dollar. Did you know his Bentley was pre-owned?

  Female Guest 1 – (Shocked) No…

  (Spotlight returns to Character and Steve)

  Steve – So anyway, we’re all going out for drinks after this. You wanna come?

  Character – (Surprised by the offer) Oh- oh, ok. Well, maybe.

  Steve – Alright, well no big deal. What’s your name again?

  Character – Oh, I’m….

  (The lights turn off and the stage is dark. Two spotlights turn on- one is on The Character, another is on a 30 year old man at the far side of the stage, his Future Self)

  Future Self – What are you doing, tell him your name. Go out, have fun.

  Character – What if it’s all a trick or something? What if all the wait staff is in the back, ready to pelt me with eggs or?something.

  Future Self – Stop making excuses, man- go live a little. Take a chance on something, anything!

  Character – He probably just has a crush on me or something. Probably just wants to get me drunk so he can rape me.

  Future Self – Why is it that every time you get a chanc
e for some kind of healthy human interaction you turn and run?

  Character – I’m not running, I just don’t want to get my ass raped by some perv.

  Future Self – You don’t think he’s a pervert, and you don’t think anyone’s going to rape you- that’s just a lame pretext.

  Character – Oh, you’re too cool to call it an excuse, you have to use a big word like pretext… Look, if God wanted me to have friends, he would have given them to me.

  Future Self – Why do you always have to be like this? Look, forget all that. Just focus on me, ok? Just you and me.

  Character – Why?

  Future Self – Because I am you, you idiot. I’m trying to help you! I’m trying to keep myself from returning to you. In the future you have friends. You call your mom and dad twice a week. And not because you need money, or because you’re feeling depressed, but just to talk. To talk about your day, and listen to them talk about theirs. In the future, you and your sister will go on road trips. You know why- because she can stand to be around you. In the future you’ll have a girlfriend. Not some drunk hookup who can’t remember your name, but someone who actually cares about you. You just have to take a chance.

  Character – Dude, I had a rough day, I just want to go home and play video games.

  Future Self – Why?

  Character – What, I need a reason to play video games now?

  Future Self – Are you serious? For all the time you’ve spent avoiding others… All the time you’ve spent belittling people in your mind, finding reasons to push them away- all the time you’ve wasted writing in your journals and moping about being alone, has any of it made your life any better.

  Character – Come on… don’t try to turn all this around, I just want to go home and relax.

  Future Self – Answer me! All those times you’ve declined invitations to parties, the times you’ve avoided hanging out with coworkers and classmates- has it made you happy? Has anything you’ve done since Joseph died made you happy?

  Character –